Wondering
by SJlikeslists
Summary: Emily between the two seasons


Disclaimer: Jericho wasn't/isn't mine.

Where did he go? Where is that man who did what he thought needed to be done without any second thoughts even when it ended up being the wrong thing to do? Where's the man who ordered bus loads of people down into the salt mine because it was the best plan he could come up with on short notice? Where's the man who put Gray Anderson in his place in the middle of the street and informed him that he was not the one calling the shots?

Heather was so enamored with him. It was Jake was wonderful. Jake was so resourceful. Jake, Jake, Jake. I let her talk. I let her go on and on with her thinking that I was being such a good friend to listen to her rambling. She never knew I was listening because what she was saying intrigued me. I was supposed to be the one who had known him forever, but this man she was describing had nothing in common with the one I knew. Well, except for the reckless part. It was odd, surreal even to listen to this Jake come to life through her stories. This Jake she was telling me of was so many things that I never would have been able to picture him being. The way she told it he was everything a town in crisis needed to have in a leader. He was quick on his feet, he was selfless, he had random skills that just happened to be what was needed at the moment. It made no sense to me. I knew better.

I knew that she was just seeing what she needed to see. I knew that he didn't stick around when things got tough. I knew that just when you thought you had someone you could depend on he would disappear. I knew people didn't change. I knew that better than I knew anything else in this world. I spent years waiting on Jonah to change. I spent years waiting on him to decide that being our dad was more important than whatever it was he was doing that made Mom keep him away. I got over it. Chris didn't. Chris thought he could work himself into that world and that his "dad" would make it all okay. We all know where that got him. I knew that Jake Green was never going to change as surely as I knew that Jonah Prowse didn't care enough to change.

I tried a little. I tried to see all the good things that she was seeing. I even complimented him on one of them once, but I knew that it would not last. I also knew Heather. I knew she trusted people too easily, and I knew that Jake Green was going to burn her. But I didn't know how to tell her. The entire world had come crashing down, and she was pinning all of her hopes on this hero she saw riding in to save the day. I couldn't just take that away from her. I tried to be subtle. I made little comments. I told her pieces of the story. She's a smart girl. I thought she would put it all together and pull herself out of her delusion.

I wanted to blame him when she ran, but part of me was glad that she did it. It might have been nice to see him getting to be the one who got left behind, but I knew he really didn't care. It was convenient for him to have her gone. It saved him the trouble of running from the awkward situation. I knew she would be back in a few days because she promised. I knew Heather always kept her promises. I watched him because I was going to have so many things to tell her to show her that she had made the right decision. I was going to be able to show her that he wasn't the person she had built up in her head. It didn't happen that way. The more I watched, the more I saw what she had been telling me all along. I saw someone who wasn't running anymore. I saw someone who was stepping up and becoming someone I barely recognized. I still couldn't believe that it would last.

I was still waiting for him to leave, but Roger left instead. Roger picked a cause over me and left me for it. I feel so completely and utterly selfish even thinking that, but it's there. I can't deny feeling it. I know it isn't fair to blame him, but I do. I know he didn't exactly choose to leave me, but I can't let go of the fact that, intentionally or not, he still left. I was so sure that Heather would keep her promise, but she didn't. I was so sure that Roger would put me first, but he didn't. I was so sure that Jake Green would never change, but I was watching him do it. I thought I knew that people didn't change, but I was wrong. Everyone else changes – I'm the only one who doesn't. I know I don't because suddenly Jake Green was back to being the one I wanted. Even if deep down a part of me was still watching him for the signs that he was slipping back into screw up mode, I didn't care.

Everything happened so fast – being told that Heather was gone, the mortars raining down on the town, the Jonah incident, the battle planning, Johnston Green being gone, the kiss on the porch, the actual battle starting, the military showing up, and a new government in control. It was a series of moments that just left you jumping from this thing to the next without any time to think about what any of it meant. Then, everything was still. It was forced and artificially still, and there was nothing to do except to think.

Do you know where my thinking led? I want that Jake Green. I want the Jake Green that the people in this town were willing to follow into the battle with New Bern because they believed that they could trust him. I want him because I have finally come to the point where I know that I could trust that man. He won't run when things get rough. I won't have to worry about being abandoned just when I need him the most. That man was meant to lead, and he makes me believe that everything can be okay again. That should be a wonderful revelation, shouldn't it? That should be a new starting point for us. That should be the sign that everything in the past is finally in our past. That should be a future for us together. It should be, but it isn't. Do you know why? Now that I can see all these things about him that I was being told but had so much trouble believing, I can't find him anymore.

I know that man is in there somewhere because we've all seen it, but I don't know where he went. He's wandering around in this daze that none of us can seem to push through. It's like he's lost all direction and is drifting around waiting for someone to push him back on course. None of us know how. How do you lead the leader when he's lost the will to lead?

I'm hoping that I didn't know what I thought I knew. I'm hoping that people can really change. I'm hoping that I'm not watching him sliding back into the Jake I used to know. Checking out can work just as well as running, and I'm afraid that that is what is happening. Why could he be that new man for so long and lose it right when I'm ready to admit I was wrong? Why can't he be that man for me? I'm going through the motions every day. I'm pretending that everything is fine. I'm waiting. I'm waiting for something to shift. I'm waiting for that direction to come back to him. I'm waiting for him to shake this off. I'm waiting for Heather's Jake to come back.


End file.
